Pain comes in waves

When I read the pre-op instructions stating no NSAID pain meds or supplements in the 10 days leading up to surgery, my stomach sank. I manage so much of my pain through supplements and NSAIDs. Tylenol is allowed because it's not an NSAID but it's really a rather ineffective painkiller for what I deal with. In my heart, I knew it was essentially dooming me to an incredibly "long", painful journey ahead of me. Now 10 days doesn't really seem like a significant period of time, but there are days when the pain is so acute and severe that the only comfort I have is the millisecond in between the stabbing or throbbing pain. Sometimes it's difficult to get through a minute and all I can do is tell myself to breathe.

Last night, I was dreaming although it was more of a nightmare than a dream. Waves and waves of pain kept hitting me. Over and over. It didn't stop. The waves were relentless and unending. I didn't know what was going on. I moved around in my dream but nothing seemed to help. The more I squirmed, the more I lost hope. Then I realized I was awake. It was 4:30 AM and those waves of pain were racking my body. It felt like I was giving birth. Contraction after contraction kept hitting me. The only respite was the millisecond in between each contraction. I've never given birth (thanks to this disease, of course) so I don't know how accurate of a statement it is, to be honest, but I've read many accounts of other women who have both endometriosis and have had children. Many say that having a baby was easier. Isn't that crazy? At least you get a baby out of the deal and you only have to do it a few times in your life. I just get to repeat it over and over and get nothing to show for it.

I told Adam about it, and he shook his head in disbelief that I could dream about the physical pain I was experiencing. I guess it never occurred to me that it was odd. It happens frequently so I never thought twice about it.

He looked at me and said, "Well maybe you really should take it (uterus) out this time." Honestly, it echoed my thoughts at 4:30 this morning while writhing in agony. I've been back and forth with my decision ever since I talked to the doctor last week. After telling her how successful the CBD Oil had been with managing a lot of my symptoms, she asked me if I wanted to change how we proceed. I honestly wasn't expecting that and it threw me for a giant loop. I haven't had much peace about this decision. I keep praying about it and just don't seem to get any closer to feeling good about it. I don't know if it's my fears about the procedure not giving me relief, the additional side effects it could cause (https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/805517_1 scared the crap out of me!) or the loss of having a family. Or maybe it's a combination of all of it. I don't really know. Then my doctor made the analogy about being in an abusive relationship. Sometimes the woman is just not ready to leave her abuser and you have to wait until she's ready. Putting it in those terms made me do a total 180 immediately. I'm a strong person. At least I think I am - and the idea of letting someone abuse me is laughable.  But in terms of it being my uterus? Maybe? Maybe I'm just not ready? Or maybe I'm being overly dramatic? Gah.

Lost. That's a pretty good description of me right now. I have 4 days to figure this out and make a decision yet I'm still back and forth on what I should do.