The days I hide

On days where I feel really bad, I usually stay out of sight. Today has been one of those days. Yesterday, I wasn't feeling all that great but hoped when I woke up this morning, I'd feel better.  The power went out at 11PM last night, and my heating pad turned right off. I woke up multiple times through the night in pain and thankfully, at some point during the night, the power was restored so I could turn it back on. One crucial piece of information is that I am not allowed to take any supplements or NSAIDs (i.e. pain medication) for the next several days. I have a surgery scheduled on Monday, October 30th and you aren't allowed to take any of the helpful stuff for 7-10 days leading up to it. So that essentially translates into a week of potential misery given those constraints.

When I woke up, I didn't feel any better so I didn't eat breakfast because oddly enough, the less food I eat, the better I typically feel. But unfortunately, I had a lunch meeting scheduled with a couple of employees. Everything inside of me said to cancel it because eating would make things even worse. However, I knew that I wouldn't be able to meet with them for several weeks if I didn't go today. So I put my fake smile on and a few coats of mascara and eyeshadow. I even added some lipstick for good measure. If you didn't know me, you would never know how miserable I was. I managed to get through the lunch despite feeling so miserable. I had a hard time concentrating on some of the business stuff and probably didn't ask some of the better questions...but I suppose it isn't the end of the world.

When I came home, I checked on Kaiya who has been sick for the last 36 hours or so. She's been throwing up and lethargic which is a big red flag because she has Cushing's disease. I sat with her and prayed for healing...I'm always afraid it's the end now. I'm so thankful for the 13 or so years we've shared but I'm beyond scared of saying goodbye. I'm always afraid that "this" time might be it. It feels like I've lost a lot over the last few years (my Uncle Craig, my health, my career, my ability to have a family, my day to day life, friendships) and I'm just not ready to add Kaiya to that list.
Then I went to bed for several hours and huddled under my heating pad and heated blanket. I took a selfie...because why not? I talk about this disease to some degree but it's really only a fraction of what it's like. There is so much more than I ever talk about but I often feel like I'm burdening others by talking about it. The focus in our society is happiness so when my reality is so far from it, I feel guilty for complaining about my life. Meme after meme tells you to choose your attitude and then your life will be amazing. I'm not so sure that I believe all that to be quite honest.

When I'm real with people, I have found they are real back with me. We don't spend so much time faking our happiness but we let each other share some of our burdens even if it's only by sharing (aka complaining) about what's going on in our lives. I think I prefer that real connection to the pursuit of happiness. It's real. It's true. It's life. Life is messy. Life is hard. Life isn't pretty.
Life certainly is filled with many more things than happiness. Hardships. Loss. Sadness. Struggle. Loneliness. Uncertainty. Those Disney fairy tales never did prepare me for real life :) I got a wonderful husband out of life -so maybe in that regard, Disney prepared me.