Finding Grace Lying in the Sofa
My favorite thing to do as a child was visiting my grandparents. They were incredibly loving, wonderful people who loved me as much as I loved them. They always seemed to be thrilled to see us and made sure we enjoyed our time with them. During the summers, I'd try to spend a week or two at a time with them. I would've stayed all summer had I been allowed!
As I got older, I started to understand why spending so much time with them was important not only to me but to them as well. My grandma had a lot of health issues which relegated her to the sofa most of the time. It really is a tragic story in that most of her health problems stemmed from an incident when she was much younger - probably early 30s? You see, they lived across the street from a school during a time when polio was still an issue. There was a child outside the school wearing one of those large braces, and he happened to fall. My grandma rushed over to help pick him up and managed to injure her back during the process. This injury grew over time and became a central theme in her life.
I have many memories of her being in the hospital for various things such as traction where they would add weights to the bed and pull her body apart. I'm sure mom has many memories of Grandma traveling to Cleveland and Mayo Clinics in hopes of finding some relief.
But my main memories of Grandma are of her laying on the sofa watching tv because she was in so much pain. We often watched fashion shows on E! network tv and critiqued the runway clothes together. She loved clothes and shoes and her closet was evidence of that - hundreds of beautiful heels that she could not wear. I was never so heartbroken when my feet continued to grow and I realized I would never be able to share shoes with her. But we would get them out and admire them occasionally because they were just too beautiful to stay hidden in that closet.
My Granddaddy would often go to St. Mary's Lake where they had a summer cottage on the lake. He was always so happy to have me or my sister stay with my Grandma so she wouldn't be alone. He would be gone for 2-3 days at a time to fish and probably just get some time to himself.
While he was gone, I'd paint Grandma's nails and do my best to make them look pretty. Sometimes I'd run to the drug store to pick up new colors for her or a new lipstick. Occasionally, I'd take her with me to pick up some prescriptions and we'd stay in the makeup aisle for 20 minutes deciding the best color or if that was a good lipstick to buy. Once, on a rare good day, we went to the mall. She bought a flowy brown top and pants and a matching scarf to go with it. She looked lovely in it. But in all honesty, I don't think she ever wore it. When she passed away, I kept that scarf as a memory of that wonderful day.
It's funny now to see as my health has declined just how similar we have become. I've struggled to find any worth in myself as my dreams have faded and it's become so challenging just to get through the day to day. The things I used to do with ease aren't even in the realm of possibility right now. I never thought of myself as impatient but with this recovery, I have little patience. It's been hard for a long time, but this kind of hard is nearly impossible. I keep telling myself, "Give it more time. This kind of healing takes much longer." I'm just terrified it isn't going to get better.
As I reflect on my grandma's life, I see so much value there. She cultivated my love of fashion and style. She encouraged it and let me practice on her. She shared my joy with me - even if it was primarily from a sofa. The love she provided me has carried me through life and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Now the challenge is to allow myself the same grace - the grace to see that I still have value even when I am in so much pain that I stay on the sofa too.
As I got older, I started to understand why spending so much time with them was important not only to me but to them as well. My grandma had a lot of health issues which relegated her to the sofa most of the time. It really is a tragic story in that most of her health problems stemmed from an incident when she was much younger - probably early 30s? You see, they lived across the street from a school during a time when polio was still an issue. There was a child outside the school wearing one of those large braces, and he happened to fall. My grandma rushed over to help pick him up and managed to injure her back during the process. This injury grew over time and became a central theme in her life.
I have many memories of her being in the hospital for various things such as traction where they would add weights to the bed and pull her body apart. I'm sure mom has many memories of Grandma traveling to Cleveland and Mayo Clinics in hopes of finding some relief.But my main memories of Grandma are of her laying on the sofa watching tv because she was in so much pain. We often watched fashion shows on E! network tv and critiqued the runway clothes together. She loved clothes and shoes and her closet was evidence of that - hundreds of beautiful heels that she could not wear. I was never so heartbroken when my feet continued to grow and I realized I would never be able to share shoes with her. But we would get them out and admire them occasionally because they were just too beautiful to stay hidden in that closet.
My Granddaddy would often go to St. Mary's Lake where they had a summer cottage on the lake. He was always so happy to have me or my sister stay with my Grandma so she wouldn't be alone. He would be gone for 2-3 days at a time to fish and probably just get some time to himself.
While he was gone, I'd paint Grandma's nails and do my best to make them look pretty. Sometimes I'd run to the drug store to pick up new colors for her or a new lipstick. Occasionally, I'd take her with me to pick up some prescriptions and we'd stay in the makeup aisle for 20 minutes deciding the best color or if that was a good lipstick to buy. Once, on a rare good day, we went to the mall. She bought a flowy brown top and pants and a matching scarf to go with it. She looked lovely in it. But in all honesty, I don't think she ever wore it. When she passed away, I kept that scarf as a memory of that wonderful day.
It's funny now to see as my health has declined just how similar we have become. I've struggled to find any worth in myself as my dreams have faded and it's become so challenging just to get through the day to day. The things I used to do with ease aren't even in the realm of possibility right now. I never thought of myself as impatient but with this recovery, I have little patience. It's been hard for a long time, but this kind of hard is nearly impossible. I keep telling myself, "Give it more time. This kind of healing takes much longer." I'm just terrified it isn't going to get better.
As I reflect on my grandma's life, I see so much value there. She cultivated my love of fashion and style. She encouraged it and let me practice on her. She shared my joy with me - even if it was primarily from a sofa. The love she provided me has carried me through life and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Now the challenge is to allow myself the same grace - the grace to see that I still have value even when I am in so much pain that I stay on the sofa too.
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